I am having Christmas breakfast with my mom today. I never know how I might find her. She could be completely present, the mom I have known for 80 years, or she could be someone who struggles to know me or be in a peaceful state of awareness at 87. I am in one of the greatest struggles of my life. I am finding myself more and more thinking to God that it might be better if He brought her to Him. I am not yet praying this. To difficult. Praying for me is absolute and I cannot be absolute. I also struggle listening to mom tell me of her loneliness, unhappiness, and longing to be with me and my siblings. It is painful and stems from irrational fears which leave me deeply hurt as to how best to help her. It is the most catastrophic love affair I have ever had. My mom, who used to tell me secretly in whispers she had prayed to have me, is no longer aware I am her dream. She whispers strange sentences to me, and I respond with sweet talk; “what is your favorite ice cream mom?”. Life can be so painfully forgotten. I talk to God about it. The hours I sit with mom are no longer sitting with mom but me trying to help her remember she is my mom. All the memories we made to create the relationship we have are now only mine and more difficult, I am not sure if I am any longer a memory at all.
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